Pink Balloons and Breathing - Inspirations

Our little grandbaby arrived on Monday morning, June 4 at 5:24AM. What a rush of feelings I have felt over the past few days. As Wendy went over her due date, we all sat on needles and pins, waiting. She had gone over Memorial Day, the Blue MOON and now the 3rd of June was fast approaching. That was the 4 month anniversary of Bruce's death, I wondered if it would be then. Why these numbers seems so significant I am not sure, but maybe it is just our psyche trying to make sense of death and now birth!

Well, let me tell you! I am thrilled to pieces and so relieved that little AVERY JOY came into this world healthy, pink and BIG! Weighing in at 8# 3oz, she was a big surprise to all of us! I had been thinking all along it was a girl, but my prediction was that she was going to be about 7#'s. She has the look of my own babies. A little round face, nice shape to her head now that the cone-head has gone away. And, her HAIR..has signs of being RED..not carrot red like her Uncle Lance, but an auburn red like her daddy or Aunt Meghan. RIght away, all of us could see Grandpa Bruce in her. Her round face, her little facial expressions, how she holds her mouth open when she breathes. Maybe again, my mind is trying to find similarities. Time will tell, won't it?

I couldn't help it, I had to include Bruce in our celebration. I have taken pink balloons out to the cemetary and attached them to the wooden windchimes out there. I told the kids what I had done. And, as Abby and I were in the car coming home from the hospital yesterday, she craned her neck to see if she could spot them from the road. Yes, we all are thinking of him this week. How we miss him, how we would have liked to have him hold his little grandbaby girl. How he would have said how proud he was of "Wendolyn" and how he would have shed a tear or pride, watching his first son on this grand accomplishment in being a dad. He wouldn't have stayed at the hospital all night like I did. ( No one was going to tell me to go home! nor did they...and I tried hard not to be a pest .. nurse, former Lamaze childbirth instructor, etc. etc.) BUT...Bruce would have come for the early morning C-section that happened due to failure to progress. He would have paced and waited with me and Abby in the room. And, finally when we all heard Ty's voice and his laugh as he wheeled his baby girl back to the room to get weighed. All of us would have cried, laughed, oogled and awed in delight. Yes...I know...Bruce was there in spirit and in some form, right there beside me...but it is so HARD. I miss his physical presence at these important moments.

Holding little AVery, smelling her newness and watching her little facial expressions definitely helps. Wendy and Ty are being so good to let me come get my Grandmother FIXes. Wendy's mom will be arriving tomorrow for a week with her. I am so happy she is coming and can absorb all of this new experience too. Mother, daughter and granddaughter need to be together. I do plan to stay away as much as I can. I have said, if I have to be tied inside my home for the week, I will. It is important for Grandma P. to have time alone too. Since she doesn't live close, she deserves to savor ALL of the moments and time she can without me HOVERING!

I have been thinking about BREATHING this week. How little AVERY had to take her first big breaths and how difficult that must be as a baby enters this world of physical life. She was a little 'gunky and wet - sounding ' she had to cry and work on clearing out the fluid that had been part of her surroundings in utero. I think of Bruce how in the end, his breathing was so labored. And as he struggled with each breath to leave this world ... it is in reverse of how we enter it. And then there are the children I have cared for who have needed assistance in breathing. My nursing career started in a newborn intensive care helping premature babies survive. For twenty years, I have cared for Matt who doesn't breathe at all on his own, relying on a machine for every breath and good nursing care too! But, he is such an INSPIRATION to all who meet him. And now, in one week, I will be helping another little baby boy who was born too early, come home! He is 7 months old. He also needs help learning to breathe. What is it about breathing-in and out- that has been such a part of my life?

Over the years, I have been told that an asset I have is that I INSPIRE others. I didn't really realize now that it is beyond the words I write that I do this. I really do help others BREATHE. Yet, the person I loved most in this world, had difficulty breathing. Making sense of this is just not suppose to be. Not yet anyway.

SIGHING ... I just found myself sighing as I re-read that last paragraph.. sighing is expiring..breathing out...dying to expire.

Times up - it has expired on this blog! Hope you have enjoyed these thoughts on inspiration!
Granny Deb