Another rotation has begun for Abby in her medical school training. She drove to Eau Claire this a.m. to begin obstetrics. She will be there for 6 weeks, I believe. This is just an hours drive from home. When Bruce was diagnosed in December- knowing that she was going to be this close to home in February was comforting. We all thought he had at least 6 months to be with us. That would put us into May. Not one of us thought he would not be alive in February. Funny how our minds 'don't go there' to areas that seem forbidden. I spent time yesterday with two friends. A friend who lost her husband 7 years ago and a new friend; my writing professor I had in the Fall. Two hours were spent with each of these ladies. Conversations were centered on widows experiences, things we miss about our husbands and lots of feelings we felt. Words sometimes can't be found to express the loss, the emptiness, the what to do next. We talked about chapters in life. Does one end a chapter, close a chapter, move on into a another phase. Finality of life is so perplexing. One minute or one day here, the next minute or day not here. Finding closure or not finding closure. I talked about helping other widows in some way. How I have felt the outpouring of other widows for me, now I want to pay it forward to the next woman who is left alone.
The funeral director stopped by last night with 'stuff'. This stuff included cards that had come to the funeral home, the bill for the funeral and the stuff that Bruce had on when he went out of our home for the last time. This included the sheet he was lying one, that the kids and I gently covered and tucked around him as we loaded him onto the cart. All of these reminders of that night came home again. These memories they say will be replaced over time with the memories of his laugh, the way he would raise up his arms if he missed a strike at the bowling alley, or how he sat all curled up on the sofa. The harsh cold memories of a winter illness and death will be replaced with warm sunny thoughts of love and good times. I know that this will happen. It happened to me three times with each of the births of our children. The pains of labor are softened and forgotten. For now, I remember, I feel and I still hurt a twinge from my most recent loss.
Today is a bright and sunny clear blue sky day. A bird was chirping outside, actually I think it was a crow was cawing, but still I sense a change in the weather. I know that life goes on, reminders are all around me. Sometimes though, I just want to sit and stare.