The Day for Valentines

Yesterday, I went to our local Hallmark store to pick up more thankyou cards and also to get Valentines for our kids. The valentine section and the store itself had an unusual amount of men. As I was debating if I should get Bruce a Valentine card to put up on his gravesite, two guys were having a conversation back and forth - with me in the middle. One guy was rather close to me, the other about 10 feet away. It was GUY TALK; what a difficult task it was to find a card; harrassing one another about being in the store, etc.. Well, I just couldn't help but say something. In my calm, quiet voice I said to this guy in his 30's, "Do you know what I would do if I were you?" He was a little stunned that I was talking to him. He looked at me and said, "What?" I said, " I would go home, get out a blank sheet of lined paper and write her a love letter." He laughed a little and said, "That is a nice idea but I don't think I have the time." BINGO................he had said the magic word! I then had no choice but to tell him about Bruce. "My husband died last week, I am no longer going to be buying Valentines Cards for him. Time passes too quickly and before you know it they are gone." I had rocked him. He didn't know what to say, and I didn't either. I just said, "Well, have a Happy Valentines Day" and went to look at Angels.
Bruce used to write me love letters before we were married. I guess it is natural that guys do that sort of thing in the courtship phase of a relationship. Once they have their woman, it becomes unneccessary. He was a true romantic and definitely had a motive behind all of his moves! The kids if they are reading this would say, "Mom, this is enough information" at this point. He went through a phase of buying me Victoria's Secret Lingerie! yes, I have a entire drawer of the small lace attire, in all sorts of colors. Once I modeled it for Ty and Wendy and Bruce. (Over tights of course) For some reason, I just felt like a frump in these little pieces. He never felt that way at all. Therefore, at times...probably not often enough, I would appease him. It is what husbands and wives do. Right?

Well, beyond Romance and Roses, there is deep down love and affection. That, was the glue in our relationship. When I would get frustrated with his smoking, his stubborness (wanting to watch a sports program instead of something I also would enjoy) or his wanting to blame me for something that really wasn't my fault. I would just shrug, knowing that he deep down inside loved me more than the moon and stars. That he was my everything and that in the end..that is what would prevail. In the past 2 months, our conversations on what really matters - the deep stuff - were rare and limited. Oh, we talked about funeral arrangements and his medical care treatments. We talked about a television program or the kids. But, we didn't talk about our feelings. Only in the night, when we would be lying side by side, would he reach over and find me, patting me and say, " I love you so much honey" I would mimic his words adding - "ditto, today, tomorrow and forever!" Then I would reach back to him, or turn and wrap my arms around his withering stomach. Dying is difficult business. I am understanding now, that Bruce was working on dying at those times. Was I working on letting him go? I don't think I was. Well, anyway - just thoughts that are roaming in my head today.
The kids are taking me out for dinner this evening. We plan to go up to the Cemetary. We haven't been there yet. Our friends have put up an ICE LUMINARY. It has been cold enough. I will take a candle and light it. Hug the ones you love today. deb