SHOCK

Yesterday ,Ty said that he had two more clients that didn't know about dad. That some have been just SHOCKED to hear that he is gone. Bruce's domain was the "office". He lived and breathed it while he was at work. He had a seperate life there. I knew only the fringe stuff. He would share things with me, but it wasn't like we talked about his day and all of the events in it, and who called, etc. But there were special people he talked about. One of those people wrote on the caring bridge site today. In Jaunary, when Bruce was sick, he had told me I needed to contact her. He told me that she was starting up a mission in Africa, her home country. You see, last fall, I had decided to get a sociology degree with a women's studies minor. In going back to college, it was time for me to choose my major. I have been interested in doing work on an international basis - something on a larger scale that I could use my nursing background, common sense and management skills. He said, "Deb, call Florianne". Then he reminisced outloud about her, her siblings and family. He shared how much he cared for them. What good people they were and how she was such a good networker, Always bringing more family in for their insurance needs. He loved helping all people. But he was very proud that he had been entrusted to help this family. I knew more of his clients by their name, but not always by their face. It was very common, if we were out and about together, that he would say hello to someone I didn't know. After introducing me, he then would explain, who they were, what kind of insurance they had, how long they had been customers, etc. etc.

The tidal wave has hit the shore. The SHOCK of his death that the clients are feeling is finally being felt by the family. The kids and I have all had our moments. Feeling frustrated, angry, overwhelmed and stung. We get tense with one another. Sharing our frustration over the little things in life. The kids just want me to be happy. They want to be happy. We all say, it isn't fair. The quietness hurts. The emptiness of all routine hurts. Ty misses his expertise at the office. He misses the answers that only Bruce had. He misses the extra pair of hands. We all have talked about how the last few weeks became such a blur. And now the sharp edge of reality leaves us feeling so empty. I find myself rethinking the days before we knew, then I rethink the days after we knew, then I go onto thinking about the days of caring for him and now all of a sudden I am into the rest of my life. The Deb & Bruce is no more. I am not married, I am a widow. Getting on with this new life is going to take time. Hearing from you helps so much, whether it is via this blog, phone, email or caringbridge. I thank you for your generous hearts. We still are feeling the care and concern of many.