I have come down with something. Maybe it is time that I can be sick. It began with a scratchy throat, then a congested cough. The body aches began yesterday. Now I have a head congestion thing going as well. It sucks to be sick. With each cough, I think of Bruce and his coughing fits he would have. Mine are hard and taxing, but they aren't anything like his were. I have energy to cough with, he was weak. Perhaps my illness is a reminder for me of just sick Bruce was. Maybe it is nature's way of giving me a deeper understanding of how unselfish I became in the end for Bruce. Sedating him and relieving his pain and suffering was such a difficult thing for me to do. Yet, there was no getting well for him.
Today, we are to drive to the east side of Wisconsin for a baby shower this w/e for Ty and Wendy. I am torn. I want to go, I don't want to stay 'home alone'. I don't feel well. Abby encouraged me to make an appt. at the clinic. Maybe they can give me a miracle drug. I think it is just going to take time. We will see. I want it to just go away. I tried to give my illness a dealine last evening. I said to myself," after 6pm, I will no longer be sick!" It didn't work.
Thursday nights are 'The Office' and other great programs Bruce liked to watch. Ty suggested we make that our family night here at home. It was good to have the kids all here. I made up a pot of chicken and dumplings. I didn't cry in the soup, but I wanted to. As I was preparing it in the kitchen and all alone, I could hear Bruce's comments when he found out what I was preparing. He would have said, "That's wonderful, dear, wonderful, wonderul!!" He always complimented me. He loved to cook and eat. He learned to cook and to eat when he was a boy growing up on a Iowa farm. His mom was a nurse and also a darn good cook. Our kitchen isn't large at all, but it is where we would all congregate. In fact, we have an old 1/2 of a church pew in our kitchen that everyone sits on as the cooks are cooking. It seems very quiet these days in the kitchen. I guess that is something that will take time to getting used to. Have a good w/e.
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Hello, Deb ¬– hmmm, this sounds a little too familiar --- getting sick when a long-awaited special event is about to take place (i.e. traveling to RF for a family Christmas gathering…wow, I was so frustrated/disappointed when I got sick. Then, George came home feeling so miserable with a sore throat/cough the Feb 2-4 weekend when we wanted to help you with kitchen/house duty.) As much as we want our plans to happen the way we want them to, sometimes things just don’t work out that way…not that this makes changes anymore easy to tolerate…but, I have come to realize things are meant to be….a greater plan for us in place. I hope you do get to feeling better---you’re the nurse and you don’t need a cook telling you to rest, drink lots of liquids, stay warm, and take it one day at a time. With bed/sofa rest you will get over it in about 14 days, with meds about two weeks. ( ☺ wink, wink ☺ )
From my book, Meditations For WOMEN Who Do Too Much: “There is really nothing more to say—except why. But since why is difficult to handle, one must take refuge in how.” Toni Morrison (The Nobel Prize in Literature 1993) The event may not be the problem it seems our need to understand it may be the problem, and it’s just so hard to admit that some things just make no sense. Thinking about you, Sandra
Deb....the first message I don't think went...so I will try this again...your journaling has been unbelievable..so strong and sincere and open...you are truly an unbelievable person. In our profession we see horrible things all of the time and sometimes I think we may get a little calloused..but the reality slaps in the face...you are always in my thoughts.....cindy b
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